The Amazing Adventures of Kalahari
by Taskemus
Summary: A Mary Sue Parody - Can Kalahari be any more perfect?


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek.  
  
A/N - this is humor. It's not supposed to be taken seriously. Basically, this is just a parody of the whole Mary Sue idea. Mary Sue gone way too far.   
  
Kalahari was perfect. Absolutely perfect. She could cook, clean, had a part time job as an engineer, and worked on complex science experiments in her spare time. Not to mention that she knew every little thing about Star Trek. Even how to fix a replicator and transporter, though she had never seen either one of those things.  
  
Kalahari sighed, sinking down onto her fluffy pink bed. Even though she lived in the heart of luxury, she could not put her awful childhood events out of her mind. Kalahari was born in the middle of the Kalahari desert in Africa while a raging was was going on. She was a prisoner until the war ended, then had been adopted, and by the time she figured out who her parents were they were dead. At the thought of this, she burst out crying, flinging her wonderful, long, thick blonde hair out of her face as she did so. Her hair was the absolute most wonderful thing about her, and all of her friends were jealous of it. This is why she was the most popular 16-year old in her school.  
  
As the tears streamed down, Kalahari heard a bird chirping outside. Through her amazing psychic abilities, she was able to tell that the bird's chirp meant that someone was in trouble. Rushing outside, Kalahari suddenly gasped! Up in the sky above her head was the U.S.S Enterprise!  
  
If only I could get beamed up!Kalahari said wistfully, staring at the starship,I would even give away my wonderful shiny blonde hair to go there!  
  
She watched with wide eyes as Captain Kirk beamed down.  
  
He said,My name is Captain Kirk, and I don't even know you but I think that you are the most talented, amazing, beautiful person I have ever met. Oh, and by the way, you can call me Jim.  
  
Does that mean I can come aboard the Enterprise?Kalahari asked, and Jim winked at her.  
  
Of course.  
  
So, Kalahari was beamed aboard. As soon as she was, the Transporter made an awful squeaking noise and promptly blew up.  
  
Oh no! Scotty, the chief Engineer said, The Transporter just blew up! Kalahari, you have to help me!  
  
  
Of course,She said sweetly, and, reaching under the Transporter with the screwdriver and pliers she took with her everywhere, fixed it in no time.  
  
Oh, Kalahari, you are the best! Scotty said, and hugged Kalahari, who blushed bashfully.  
  
Kalahari, could you come help me with this scientific thing I am working on? I just don't think I'm logical enough to do it!Spock, the Enterprise's Vulcan Science Officer, said calmly.  
  
Kalahari said, setting the tools down, and pulled out some weird looking liquids and bottles. She just happened to take these with her, too. They made her look smart - but then again, she WAS smart.  
  
After a few minutes Kalahari had fixed Spock's scientific thing. It had been hard work, but, of course, Kalahari had done harder.  
  
You are the most logical person I have ever met. Spock pronounced,So I'm giving you this Logic award.  
  
Kalahari accepted the Logic Award with a huge smile on her face.  
  
Can I stay aboard the Enterprise forever?She asked Jim, and he smiled.  
  
Of course! Well, first you have to go down to Sickbay and get a check-up. He said.  
  
Kalahari said, and brushed past the Enterprise's crew, who were all looking at her in awe and wishing that they could be more like her.  
  
She skipped down to the Sickbay, her beautiful, luscious blonde hair dancing along behind her.  
  
Hello, Bones!She greeted the Doctor,I'm here for a checkup.  
  
A check up? All right, Kalahari. Bones said,But first I need you to help me work with this dying ensign over here.  
  
That would be great!Kalahari exclaimed, rushing over to the patient and pulling a stethoscope out of her back pocket.  
  
After half an hour, Kalahari had found a cure for the mysterious disease, and both Bones and the Ensign were thanking her.  
  
OK, now for that check up,Bones said,Just hop up on this biobed here, and I'll see if you're sick or not.  
  
Kalahari sat on the biobed for a very long time, thinking about her wonderful, flowing hair, and tuning out everything Bones said. Pretty soon, she tired of this, and started listening to the doctor.  
  
Oh, no!He was shouting,You have an awful, un-curable disease! You're going to die in 2 seconds! And all of your beautiful hair is going to fall out!  
  
Kalahari screamed,We have to do something about this!  
  
But nothing could be done. She was already dead.  
  
Bones commed Jim, tears streaming from his eyes. Even though he hadn't known her long, Kalahari had already become his favorite patient.  
  
Jim rushed over to sickbay, already covered in salty tears.  
  
Oh, Kalahari, my love!He said,It's so sad you had to die so soon! I will miss you always, and know that you will always be my one true love-  
  
HEY! I thought _I_ was your one true love!Yeoman Rand said.  
  
Where did _you_ come from?Jim asked, tearing himself away from Kalahari's dead body.  
  
I came here to say goodbye to the greatest person I have ever known - Kalahari. Rand said.  
  
Kalahari, rest assured - you are the greatest Mary Sue to ever have lived,Bones said, summing up everybody's thoughts for them.  
  
THE END


End file.
